I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
a search helicopter?!
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
