I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
