I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
