why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
