No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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