I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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