I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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