Your face is a jimmy john
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
