It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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