I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
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In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
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I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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