she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
