i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
