Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
