I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
