That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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