At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
