I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
