Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
