Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
