I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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