i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
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I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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