Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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