i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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