My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
