In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
