we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
