I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
