i love accidental penises.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
