I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
