Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
