wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
