i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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