i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
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he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
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I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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