I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just threw up on my dentist
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
