you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
