Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
