i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
