I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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