I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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