Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
