I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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