I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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