I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
