I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
