Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
