M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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