Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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