all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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