how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
