dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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