Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm sobbing to NWA
Randomize
