I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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