She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
