his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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